A Year of Thanatophobia
It's been a year since I developed thanatophobia, which is the fear of death.
It kind of happened randomly. I just came back from a trip, and the night I was home, I had really bad existential nightmares that led me to start fearing death. Now, I've had these kind of nightmares before, but they were tolerable and went away soon after.
But this one stuck. And it stuck hard.
It led me to have constant panic attacks, fainting on the floor, hyperventilating like crazy. It was one of the scariest times of my life.
Now, after a year of the looming thoughts & the existential dread, I would say that the fear is still there, but... a bit more manageable, I would say?
Sure, I still get that dread which leads to panic attacks, but sadly: all I can really do is suffer through it.
I used to be obsessed with looking at NDEs (near-death experiences), and admittedly I still look at them in hopes of finding some comfort; but ultimately, that doesn't really help.
I don't consider myself to be a spiritual person. That stuff feels weird to me. Combine that with my religious trauma and dealing with a religious family adds on to that stress and makes things worse. I still get nightmares of going to hell... it's really not fair.
Personally, I wish there could be an afterlife. Or at least a state where you can still dream, like with the idea of lucid dreaming. With all of the things that's been going on the world, the idea of nothing doesn't seem so bad... sometimes.
I really wish I didn't have to worry about death. I think that should be the last thing anyone should worry about. But... what can I do? At the end of the day, does it even matter? Do I even matter? I'm trying not to sound like a nihilist, but... does anything matter.
Anyway, happy holidays.