Wanting to be a (Real) Dragon
(Note: This post is not an accusation or attack on any person or any community. This is simply a post of my struggles, desires, and experiences in hopes of documenting my strange identity).
I wish I could be a dragon.
As a polymorph, dragons are extremely important to my identity. Without dragons, more than half of my core would be gone. I've been fascinated with dragons since I was young. I remember doing a presentation about dragons in high school for my mythology class and did decent on it; I don't know if it was a sign or anything, but it would've been cool.
Sure, I can change to a dragon right now, but more often than not: I feel like I'm not allowed or don't deserve to be a dragon.
I've been in a few dragonkin communities. I suppose it doesn't help that some were for "dragons only" so I had to force myself to be a dragon, even though I didn't want to. Regardless, I joined them anyway for the hopes of socializing and finding others like me.
I saw a vast majority of dragonkin who have past life memories and sharing their experiences of being a dragon. Now, I know you don't need memories or past life experiences to be considered a dragon, but sometimes I thought I had to since they get a lot of attention, validation, and acceptance.
This will sound really weird, but I sometimes get nightmares of being surrounded by popular dragons who're in Discord & Tumblr, standing like a high council or like that scene from Star Wars. They would say things like "Look at this fake dragon.","How dare you desecrate the dragonkin.","You'll never be a real dragon."
Now, I want to emphasize this and say that no one from any community has said those kinds of things to me. More likely than not, it's simply a manifestation of the anxieties I get when trying to interact in these kinds of communities, along with high self-doubt and low confidence I have on myself.
My experiences of being a dragon aren't that unique or anything to take notice on. I would say it jump-started when I first got into Wings of Fire a few years ago, and how almost all of the main characters are part of the system with their own dreams and ideas.
I get a lot of "draconic" desires, primarily wanting to hoard my plushies and lay on top of them and growl and make roaring sounds. Wouldn't that be cool? I don't want to hurt them, though.
Sometimes I get phantom wings. I would feel this pressure on my shoulder blades and sometimes feel something flapping. I would like to thing they are wings, but realistically it might be my shoulder problems. I'm allowed to dream, at least.
However, the most prominent thing of my draconic identity is seeing myself as a small dragon hatchling and being hoarded and cherished by a much bigger dragon, whom which I perceive as my mother (yes, you can say this is age regression, but that's a whole different topic for a whole different post). I know practically every dragonkin would want something like this. Who wouldn't want to be seen as valuable treasure and be snatched up by a dragon?
But still, I wish I could be a dragon.
I wish I could be a real dragon.
I wish I could be real...