Wanting to Leave Christianity (Religion)
So the rapture was supposed to happen today. I'm not sure if it'll still happen since the day is still going, but it might safe to say I survived it? Regardless, all this rapture talk has spiked my anxiety and fears of Christianity and God.
My story with Christianity isn't an original one: I remember going to church when I was young, but feeling uncomfortable having to stand up and sing during the songs, and feeling weird whenever we have to pray. All of it just kind of seemed odd to me.
Enter my grandmother.
My grandmother is a born-again, spiritually obsessed Evangelist. The first red flag is that she claims that she isn't religious, and that Christianity isn't a religion, but a faith. I may not be an expert in vocabulary, but I can safely assume that Christianity is a religion, but people can disagree with that; I don't really care.
She also claims that when she was young, she died and that she saw God and revived her. Now, I'm not denying her claim nor saying she was lying. She has a right to believe what she wants to believe; everyone does. That's what makes culture so beautiful and unique, but I digress.
For the past few years, I've been kind of on and off with Christianity. There were periods where I would pray to God every night, but feel uncomfortable with it because I felt like I was forced to. And then, in 2024, I started developing thanatophobia (the fear of death) and my grandmother essentially convinced me to give my life up to Jesus.
And I did, and I honestly regret it.
After I said a prayer of salvation, it just made things worse for me. I felt like I couldn't do anything, because the things I enjoy were considered "evil" or "demonic" to my grandmother. I was scared that I was going to Hell, that I deserve to eternally suffer because I'm autistic and have differing opinions. Combine that with my thanatophobia and now this rapture stuff, and I really wish I could leave Christianity and religion as a whole.
But sadly, I'm still scared of going to Hell. I'm scared that someday, I will die and fall down and down to eternal suffering, and Jesus would point fingers and say it's all my fault because I didn't worship him enough.
I'm sorry, but it feels weird praying to an invisible man. It feels strange giving up your freewill just to follow extremely outdated and controversial teachings. Everything about it just drives me insane and makes my mental health a lot worse for me.
But I have to give my life up to him, just to be safe... just in case if everything is true. I want to be good. I just wanted to be good... why does God hate me so much? Why can't I be good enough for him?
And please, do not try contacting me saying "Jesus loves you! You just have to try harder!" and whatnot, or scarf down Bible verses on me. Again, you can believe what you want to believe, but forcing your beliefs on someone isn't nice, and that's what my grandmother has been doing for so many years, and it sucks that she'll never change her mind or think what she's doing is wrong or at least questionable.